Internal Family Systems: Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self
Have you ever felt at war with different aspects of your personality? Perhaps a part of you wants to take risks while another part remains cautious and afraid. Maybe you notice a perfectionist voice that won't let you rest until everything is flawless, even as another part of you craves relaxation. According to Lauren Boasberg, an LMFT and EMDR therapist specializing in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, these conflicting impulses aren't simply random thoughts—they're distinct "parts" of our internal family system.
Understanding the Internal Family System
The core concept of IFS therapy is surprisingly intuitive: we don't have just one mind, but rather a collection of different parts within our mental landscape. These parts have distinct feelings, thoughts, body sensations, and behaviors. Lauren explains that while this might sound similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, it's entirely different. Every person has these various parts as a normal aspect of human psychology—they're simply different aspects of our personality that have developed to help us navigate life.
According to the IFS model, these parts generally fall into three categories. First are the "exiled" parts that hold our pain and vulnerability, often formed during childhood trauma or difficult experiences. These exiles carry the emotional wounds we've tucked away because they were too overwhelming to process at the time. Second are the "manager" parts that keep us functioning in daily life by preventing access to painful memories and feelings. They help us maintain relationships, succeed professionally, and generally "keep it together" when we might otherwise fall apart.
The third category contains what Lauren describes as the strongest protectors: the "firefighter" parts. Unlike managers that work to keep life stable, firefighters have one job: to completely annihilate pain when it threatens to surface. These parts often manifest as addictive or impulsive behaviors—drinking, drug use, excessive eating, obsessive-compulsive tendencies—anything that can immediately extinguish emotional pain. However, Lauren notes that in protecting us from pain, these firefighter parts also disconnect us from our authentic selves, creating a deeper problem beneath the surface behavior.
The Self Energy: Our Authentic Core
At the heart of IFS theory is the concept of "self energy," which isn't a part but rather our essential being—who we truly are beneath all our protective layers. Lauren describes this as "your access to your truth before you were exiled" and compares it to the uninhibited joy seen in young children running freely. It's a state characterized by clarity, perspective, intuition, and inner knowing, unclouded by fear or anxiety.
For many people, especially those with complex trauma histories, accessing this self energy can feel impossible. Lauren shares that some clients look at her like she's "speaking Chinese" when she first discusses this concept. Having operated from their protective parts their entire lives, they've never experienced their authentic selves. This disconnection from self is particularly common in those who experienced childhood abuse or neglect, where early attachment wounds created a pattern of disconnection from their internal truth.
The goal of IFS therapy isn't to eliminate parts—they're integral aspects of who we are and will always remain with us. Instead, the aim is to help the self take the primary leadership role in the internal system, like a good parent overseeing a family. When we operate from self energy, we can acknowledge each part's positive intention while making choices from a place of wisdom and compassion rather than fear or reactivity.
How Parts Block Our Authentic Self
Lauren offers a compelling explanation of how we lose access to our self energy through a process called "blending." Imagine a young child experiencing the world openly until something frightening happens—perhaps being yelled at or witnessing something disturbing. In that moment, an exiled part forms to hold the pain of that experience. Almost simultaneously, a protective part emerges to help the child continue functioning in the world.
These protective parts then "blend" with our self energy, creating a situation where we're no longer operating from our authentic core. Instead, we're functioning through the lens of our protectors. This blending happens repeatedly throughout life, each time pushing our authentic self further into the background. What begins as protection eventually becomes a limitation, as these parts operate with outdated information and strategies developed for past situations.
Through her work, Lauren has observed that most adults have forgotten what it feels like to operate from self energy. Instead, they navigate life through their manager parts, experiencing recurring patterns of anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or control. Or they might primarily live through their firefighter parts, constantly seeking ways to numb uncomfortable feelings through various addictions or compulsions. The first step toward healing is recognizing when these parts are activated and beginning the process of "unblending"—separating from these protective mechanisms to regain access to authentic self energy.
Practical Steps for Connecting with Your Parts
Learning to work with your internal family system doesn't require formal therapy, though professional guidance can certainly accelerate the process. Lauren shares several practical approaches anyone can begin implementing:
Notice when something feels "off" - Pay attention to anxiety, fear, confusion, or any uncomfortable feeling
Close your eyes and go inside - Take a moment to turn your attention inward
Ask what's happening - Approach the feeling with curiosity rather than judgment
Listen for thoughts, feelings, and body sensations - These provide clues about which part is activated
Ask the part what it wants you to know - Treat it like you would a friend sharing something important
Acknowledge its purpose with compassion - Remember all parts are trying to help, even if their methods are outdated
The key to this practice is approaching your parts with genuine curiosity and compassion rather than criticism. Lauren emphasizes that this non-judgmental stance is what helps parts "soften" and reveal their true purpose. When parts feel heard and understood, they often relax their protective stance, allowing more access to self energy.
Lauren shares a personal example of using this approach when she noticed herself becoming hypervigilant and perfectionistic before her podcast interview. By pausing to check in with herself, she discovered a part that was terrified of embarrassment. Rather than criticizing this perfectionist part, she acknowledged its concern with compassion, which allowed her to recognize that she already knew the material well and could trust herself to speak from her experience.
The Way Back to Yourself
"Regardless of what people have been through, there's always a way back to yourself, literally," Lauren concludes in her conversation with Dr. Luna. This message of hope comes from years of witnessing transformation in clients who initially believed healing was impossible. Even those who describe themselves as "the last house on the block"—people who have tried numerous therapeutic approaches without success—can find their way back to self energy through patient, compassionate work with their internal family system.
The journey of reconnecting with your authentic self isn't about eliminating parts or even changing them dramatically. It's about creating harmony in your internal system, where each part feels valued for its protective intention while allowing your self energy to take the lead. This shift doesn't happen overnight or even in a single therapy session. It's an ongoing practice of noticing when parts are activated, listening to their concerns, and gently unblending to reconnect with your core self.
As Dr. Luna reflects during the conversation, this approach resonates deeply with spiritual traditions that emphasize inner wisdom and self-knowledge. By turning toward our internal landscape with curiosity rather than judgment, we discover that the peace and clarity we seek have been within us all along, simply waiting for us to create space for their expression.
Ready to begin your own journey of reconnecting with your authentic self? Start with the simple practice of noticing when you feel triggered or reactive, pausing to ask what part might be activated, and approaching that part with genuine curiosity and compassion. As Lauren reminds us, the path back to yourself begins with this small but powerful shift from criticism to compassionate curiosity.
Connect with Lauren Boasberg on Instagram at @emdrtherapistla or visit laurenboasberg.com to learn more about her work with Internal Family Systems and EMDR therapy.
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