Men's Mental Health: Breaking the Silence
Together, Lydia Luna, PhD and Brian Shiers, LMFT, delve into one of society's most pressing yet often overlooked issues: men's mental health. With suicide being one of the leading causes of death among men and a growing epidemic of loneliness particularly affecting men over 50, this discussion couldn't be more timely. Dr. Luna brings a personal perspective to the conversation, sharing her experience of losing a boyfriend of five years to suicide - a tragic example of how men often suffer in silence until it's too late.
The Warrior Legacy
The foundation of many men's emotional challenges can be traced back to what Shiers calls "warrior culture," a centuries-old tradition prioritizing survival and strength over emotional expression. This mindset persists in modern phrases like "man up" or "boys don't cry," reflecting how deeply these warrior values are embedded in our society. While ancient tribal societies had rituals and communal practices to help warriors process their experiences, modern society has largely lost these crucial support systems.
The impact of this cultural legacy is particularly evident in how young boys are socialized. From an early age, they receive both explicit and implicit messages about appropriate behavior, often leading to the suppression of natural emotional responses. This early conditioning creates a foundation for long-term challenges in emotional expression and self-awareness, patterns that often persist well into adulthood.
The consequences of this emotional suppression are far-reaching. Research shows that loneliness among men, particularly those over 50, can have more severe health impacts than smoking, high blood pressure, and obesity combined. This startling statistic underscores the critical importance of addressing men's emotional well-being as a public health issue.
Building Emotional Skills
Modern understanding of emotions and neuroscience offers new pathways for helping men develop emotional intelligence. Rather than viewing emotional awareness as a weakness, it can be reframed as a set of learnable skills enhancing performance, relationships, and overall well-being. This shift in perspective is crucial for overcoming traditional resistance to emotional work.
One of the key barriers men face is the misconception about what emotions actually are. Many men struggle to differentiate between emotions and feelings, leading to confusion and resistance in addressing their emotional lives. Understanding emotions are cognitive interpretations while feelings are physical sensations can help make the work more approachable and less threatening. For example, recognizing a racing heart (feeling) versus interpreting danger (emotion) helps men separate physical experiences from their meaning.
The process of developing emotional intelligence requires several key components:
Body awareness: Learning to recognize physical sensations and their meaning
Emotional vocabulary: Developing more precise language to describe emotional experiences
Self-regulation: Understanding how to calm the nervous system
Safe expression: Finding appropriate outlets for emotional expression
Community support: Building connections with others who model healthy emotional awareness
Modern Dating Challenges
The changing dynamics of modern relationships present both challenges and opportunities for men's emotional development. As women achieve greater educational and professional success, many men find themselves needing to redefine their role and understanding of masculinity. This shift requires developing new skills in emotional awareness and communication.
The impact of technology and dating apps has added another layer of complexity to this evolution. The constant availability of options and the dopamine-driven nature of dating apps can make it harder for men to develop deep, meaningful connections. This challenge is compounded by decreased face-to-face interaction and the loss of traditional social cues that once facilitated natural connections.
However, these challenges also present opportunities for growth. Men who develop emotional intelligence often find themselves better equipped to navigate modern relationships and create more fulfilling connections. This ability to balance strength with vulnerability becomes increasingly attractive in contemporary relationships.
Support Systems
Professional support plays a crucial role in helping men develop emotional intelligence. Shiers' experience working with high-performance individuals, from FBI hostage rescue teams to surgeons, demonstrates that emotional awareness is compatible with traditionally masculine roles. In fact, it often enhances performance in these demanding positions, proving that emotional intelligence and professional excellence go hand in hand.
Media representation and public discourse are also shifting to provide more nuanced portrayals of masculine emotional expression. Shows like "The Bear" offer examples of men wrestling with emotional challenges while maintaining their strength and competence. These portrayals help normalize the experience of seeking support and working through emotional difficulties, showing vulnerability and strength can coexist.
The key to creating lasting change lies in making support more accessible and acceptable. This can be achieved through various channels, including mindfulness practices, men's groups, martial arts communities, and traditional therapy. The goal is to provide multiple entry points that feel comfortable and aligned with different men's preferences and comfort levels, recognizing there's no one-size-fits-all approach to emotional growth.
Breaking Through Fear
Perhaps one of the most significant barriers to seeking help is the fear of "falling apart" once emotional work begins. Many men worry addressing suppressed emotions might lead to losing control or being overwhelmed by feelings they've long held at bay. However, this fear often stems from misconceptions about the therapeutic process and what emotional intelligence truly means.
The reality is emotional work can be approached gradually and systematically, much like physical training. Starting with basic awareness of bodily sensations and slowly building up to more complex emotional experiences allows men to develop confidence and competence in handling their feelings. This step-by-step approach helps maintain a sense of control while still making meaningful progress.
Through proper guidance and support, men can learn to experience their emotions fully while maintaining their strength and dignity. The goal isn't to "fall apart" but to integrate all aspects of their experience into a more complete and authentic version of themselves. Brian Shiers continues his mission of bridging the gap between science and everyday mindfulness practice through various platforms. As a senior mindfulness teacher at UCLA's Mindful Awareness Research Center, he specializes in making emotional intelligence accessible to diverse audiences.
You can find Brian Shiers on LinkedIn (@Brian Shiers), Tik Tok @youralignedmind and Udemy (@brian-f-shiers), where he offers courses on mindfulness and emotional intelligence. His unique approach combines scientific understanding with practical application, helping individuals from all walks of life discover their path to inner balance and emotional well-being.
